Why I Love Football #1 22:51

In yet another new, regular* feature of the blog I'm going to highlight incidents in football that make me love the sport. I'm not putting any restrictions on this, all it has to be is something that reaffirms my appreciation of the beautiful game and puts a smile on my face.

*do not take this literally.

"Moi?"

The first entry is Arsene Wenger's reaction to being sent to the stands in the game against Manchester United. Wenger was sent off for booting a bottle up the touchline, and instead of skulking down the tunnel, or heading up to the directors box, he placed himself defiantly in front of the United fans.

He stood, arms outstretched, Christ-like, on an elevated platform in front of the opposition fans as they shouted, booed and jeered. He had the look of a man who didn't give a fuck, and then the United fans began to clap and cheer. I've never been a Wenger fan (his chronic myopia is a constant irritation to me) but this brought a shit-eating grin to my face. Great stuff.

Prem Predictions 28/08 10:37

My faux-Irish nemesis got one over on me last week reducing my lead to one point. Here are my predictions for the fourth round of Premiership games:

Kenwyne Jones

Blackburn Vs West Ham

I find it difficult to write about Blackburn as I really don't give a shit about them. They seem a fairly strong side but have yet to pick up a point. West Ham will be looking for a positive result after the disgusting scenes at Upton Park in the League Cup.

Prediction: Can't see any result but a draw here.

Bolton Vs Liverpool

Much like Blackburn I really don't give a lusty fuck about Bolton (and any other low rent Lancashire team). Bolton will be on the defensive the whole game as Liverpool will look to avenge their recent poor run of results. They need a whipping boy and Bolton might be it.

Prediction: Bolton will be tough to break down but Liverpool will prevail.

Chelsea Vs Burnley

Two weeks ago I'd have called this a 'no-brainer', but Burnley have shown real character, and ability, of late. That said no one gets their own way at Stamford Bridge except the home side. Chelsea are unbeaten this season and have shown real resilience without ever being at their best.

Prediction: Chelsea win to bring Burnley back to earth.

Man Utd Vs Arsenal

I cannot wait for this one, I pray that it lives up to its promise. After a shaky start the champs looked like their old selves in demolishing Wigan. Arsenal are scoring goals for fun and are the form side. Despite the strength of their respective attacks I don't think there'll be too many goals in this one.

Prediction: A draw is the likely, and fairest, result.

Stoke Vs Sunderland

Stoke have made a good signing in Robert Huth and hope to have his former 'Boro colleague Tuncay in their ranks by the weekend. Sunderland are strong and adventurous and will take the game to Stoke. A lot depends on how well Bent and Jones play.

Prediction: An entertaining draw.

Tottenham Vs Birmingham

The league's other form team take on the new boys who are still finding their feet. I can't see Spurs not scoring in this game which means Brum will need to score two to stand any chance of winning. 'Chuco' Benitez is growing with each game and should pose a threat.

Prediction: Spurs too strong for the blues.

Wolverhampton Vs Hull

The clash of the gaudy, retina scorching shirts. Wolves have shown signs of ability but have failed to convert chances into goals. Hull are a Jekyll and Hyde side, sometimes they look a Premier quality team, other times they look a Blue Square Premier quality team.

Prediction: Wolves win by the odd goal.

Aston Villa Vs Fulham

Villa have had an up and down season so far and they really need to find some consistency. The purchases of Stephen Warnock and, eventually, Richard Dunne should go a long way to stabilising their defence. Fulham will grind out results and are a handful for any team.

Prediction: Villa bounce back from their Europa League exit with a win.

Everton Vs Wigan

Everton have looked really poor this season, but now the Lescott saga is over they should be able to concentrate on their game again. Wigan have a good manager with good ideas, sadly the players just aren't good enough to execute them.

Prediction: Everton pick up their first win of the season.

Portsmouth Vs Man City

Pompey have finally been sold to their shifty new Arab owner, but far too late in the window to affect their shitty squad. Man City are scoring, keeping clean sheets and reaping the early rewards of their massive expenditure. Their new superstars are blending well with their old heads and things are looking good.

Prediction: Baring a major fuck up City will win at a canter.

The Bad Old Days 11:37

Cockney Scum

I'm about to say something that may shock and surprise you: a Millwall game ended in racism and violence. Millwall are usually bastions of fair play and equality, with an impeccably behaved set of fans that are a credit to our national game. I'm being sarcastic, of course. Millwall are known scum. As are West Ham. What happens when scum meets scum? It's a simple equation: scum X scum = bloodshed. That's why it's no surprise at all that the League Cup match between the two sides ended in a riot.

The violence started before the match with pitched battles between the two sets of 'fans', culminating in the stabbing of one man. The trouble continued after kick off as three pitch invasions took place, forcing the players to leave the field. During the game Carlton Cole was subjected to monkey chants from the Millwall supporters, West Ham fans responded by doing the same to Jason Price. After the match the rioting continued on the streets of East London well into the night. The year is 2009.

This has brought the beautiful game crashing back into the 1980s, with scenes that we believed had all but vanished. This is a huge blow to England's 2018 world Cup bid. Will FIFA really want their showpiece event taking place in a country where racism and violence still rears it's ugly head? Of course not. This is exactly the reason why we haven't staged a World Cup since 1966 and exactly the reason why we won't get one in 2018. The despicable acts of the few have once again ruined it for the many.

These so-called 'fans' are a disgrace. Not only to club but to country. Do they not realise that their actions will not only get them banned for life from football (something which the clubs have vowed to do) but will also find their nation denied the World Cup once more. They'll be quick to bitch and whine if we don't get it, but will never blame themselves for it. Banning them from football is not enough, they should be deported to some fucking backward colony and allowed to kick the shit out of each other for all eternity.

And what of the clubs, will they face the wrath of the FA? Will they fuck, especially not West Ham. West Ham, you see, are the FA's golden boys. They won us the World Cup, don't you know? They're Trevor Brooking's team, and for that reason they will escape real punishment (a measly fine does not count) just like they have over the Carlos Tevez affair. The rules, it seems, do not apply to West Ham. If this incident had involved a team outside of the M25, Sheffield United for example, you can be sure that the FA would have rained down fire and brimstone upon them. West Ham will get a slap on the wrist.

What should be done? Well, Millwall lost the game so are already out of the cup. West Ham should be booted from the tournament. Until they can prove that their fans are fit to represent them they should not be allowed to compete in the cup. Perhaps West Ham's third round opponents should be given a bye. Perhaps all of the losing second round teams should be put in a hat and the name drawn should get a second chance. Neither solution is fair, but it's a damn sight fairer than allowing these cockney bastards to play any further part in the League Cup.

Good Bad Ugly 25/08 17:51

Chadwick: A face only a mother could love

I've come up with a new regular feature for this blog (and by 'regular' I mean highly irregular and possibly even a complete one off). I call it 'Good Bad Ugly'. Original title, I know. In this feature I will discuss three of the big stories in football, one under the banner of Good, one under Bad and one under Ugly. Genius, yes? Now, the concepts of Good and Bad are fairly self explanatory, but Ugly has a broader brief. I guess it could relate to an ugly incident such as a bad challenge, it could relate to an ugly situation such as protracted transfer affair, or it could relate to an ugly twat such as Luke Chadwick. We'll see.

The Good

The Premier League title race

OK, so we're only two/three games in but already the title picture is looking far different to what we anticipated. Man United looked poor in their opening couple of games, and even lost to Burnley. The notoriously slow starters got it right against Wigan but they need consistency. Arsenal were written off as no-hopers but have scored 10 goals in two games. Their free flowing passing style has been coupled with a killer instinct in front of goal, which will make for some fascinating matches this term. Chelsea have a perfect record but their once impeccable defence has been penetrated by Hull and Sunderland. Liverpool have lost two out of three and seem in real trouble. The loss of Alsonso has left them without shape, and Lucas is no kind of replacement.

And what of the chasing pack, those teams trying to break the hegemony of the 'big four'? Moneybags Man City have also had a perfect start but have hardly been blowing the competition away with their Eastlands Galacticos. Last year's closest challengers Everton and Villa have both had shaky starts and need to improve their squads quickly. Undoubtedly the surprise package have been Spurs, three wins out of three led by the imperious Jermain Defoe. If anyone is going to break into the top four then it'll be Spurs, but it's a long, hard season. The true test will be to see how they react once they do lose, and they will.

Few can disagree that the Premier League is the greatest in the world, certainly in terms of pure football. The accusation that's often levelled at the Prem is the predictability of the top four (possibly even the top six). On this early showing it looks like things are starting to change. Obviously this could be a false dawn, and we won't really know where we stand until Christmas, but from where we stand right now things are looking good.

The Bad

The stabbing of Calum Davenport

On Saturday West Ham player Calum Davenport was stabbed in a frenzied attack at his mother's home in Bedfordshire. The boyfriend of Davenport's sister has been charged with the attack. Davenport's mother was also injured and both are still in hospital in a stable condition. It appears that the accused, Worrel Whitehurst, targeted Davenport's legs, as both were repeatedly stabbed. From this it's obvious that Whitehurst intended to end Davenport's career, targeting the implements of his success.

It's currently too early to tell if Davenport will fully recover, but his career is said to be 'in the balance', some reports even suggest that he may lose his left leg. No one yet knows why Davenport was attacked, but I'd wager that money was involved. Here's my guess: Davenport's sister fell in with a bad crowd, one of whom was Whitehurst. Whitehurst realised that he could make a few quid from Davenport so tried to get money out of him. when Davenport refused Whitehurst stabbed him. Obviously this is pure speculation, but I bet I'm on the right track. I guess we'll find out during the trial.

The Ugly
The Joleon Lescott transfer saga

This ugly affair is finally over with Lescott passing a medical at Man City, finalising his £22m move. This saga has done nobody any favours. Firstly it has shown Lescott to be a mercenary, money-grabbing bastard. To push so hard for a move from one mid-table Prem side to another can't purely be about ambition, it's mostly about doubling his wages. When Everton rejected the first couple of bids Lescott should have put his head down and worked hard. He should have been professional. Instead he handed in a transfer request then played awfully in Everton's opening game, leading to their 6-1 whomping.

Mark Hughes and Man City have hardly come out of this smelling of roses. They were rejected numerous times, but instead of walking away they took the attitude of "we're the richest club in the world and won't be denied" and kept pushing and pushing until Lescott and Everton were completely unsettled. Once Lescott's head was turned Everton had no choice but to sell as it was obvious he'd burned his bridges. David Moyes, and the fans, would never allow him in an Everton shirt again.

Moyes is the only party to come out with any credit over this. He refused the advances of Man City. He wouldn't bow to their financial clout and vowed to hold on to one of his star assets. He understood that if Everton were to progress they could not be a selling club. After it was obvious that Lescott didn't want to be there Moyes dropped him from the squad. City's pressure and Lescott's avarice had caused this situation, and Moyes dealt with it in the best way he knew. I've no doubt that if the deal hadn't gone through Moyes would have let Lescott rot in the reserves for the rest of his contract. And he'd have been right to do so.

Me 2 - Lawro 1 11:30

It's a win for Lawro this week as he managed to correctly predict seven out of ten results compared to my measly five. Here's a brief round up:

Michael Owen

Arsenal Vs Portmouth
Me: Arsenal. Lawro: Arsenal. Result: Arsenal 4 - 1 Pompey

This was obvious to anyone with any knowledge of football. Arsenal are on fire and Pompey are appalling. An injury to Fabregas is a huge blow to the Gunners.

Birmingham Vs Stoke
Me: Draw. Lawro: Draw. Result: Brum 0 - 0 Stoke

Every bit as boring as I expected it to be. Can't even bring myself to say any more about it.

Hull Vs Bolton
Me: Draw. Lawro: Hull. Result: Hull 1 - 0 Bolton

Hull get their first win in what seems like 40 years. Bolton are one of those teams that are destined to be also-rans for their rest of their existence.

Man City Vs Wolves
Me: City. Lawro: City. Result: Man City 1 - 0 Wolves

The scoreline flatters City as Wolves could have easily got something here. City's star strikers, Tevez and Adebayor, combine for the winner.

Sunderland Vs Blackburn
Me: Sunderland. Lawro: Sunderland. Result: Sunderland 2 - 1 Blackburn

Another fine Kenwyne Jones performance keeps Sunderland's great start going. Blackburn look OK and shouldn't struggle this year.

Wigan Vs Man Utd
Me: Draw. Lawro: United. Result: Wigan 0 - 5 United

Michael Owen's first goal helps the champs to a thumping victory. After a good start to the season Wigan really need to settle down and start scoring, especially at home.

West Ham Vs Tottenham
Me: West Ham. Lawro: Draw. Result: West Ham 1 - Spurs 2

Tottenham's perfect start continues and Defoe looks unstoppable. Roll on the North London derby.

Burnley Vs Everton
Me: Everton. Lawro: Everton. Result: Burnley 1 - 0 Everton

Burnley prove that their win over United wasn't a fluke. Everton need new players and ideas immediately.

Fulham Vs Chelsea
Me: Chelsea. Lawro: Chelsea. Result: Fulham 0 - 2 Chelsea

When Drogba and Anelka score Chelsea don't lose. Fulham had no chance against their local rivals.

Liverpool Vs Aston Villa
Me: Liverpool. Lawro: Liverpool. Result: Liverpool 1 - 3 Villa

That's two defeats out of three for Liverpool now. They only lost twice in the entirety of last season. Too early to tell if this is the turning point for Villa.

Prediction race: Me 2 - Lawro 1

Prem Predictions 21/08 21:13

Round three of my Premiership predictions, where I lead Lawro 2-0. I haven't got time to do in-depth analysis so I'll keep it brief.

Eduardo

Arsenal Vs Portsmouth

Arsenal look imperious, Portsmouth look shite. If Pompey get anything from this game then I'm going to start watching rugby, a true gentleman's game.

Prediction: Easy Gunners victory.

Birmingham Vs Stoke

Stoke will put up more competition for Birmingham than Pompey did, but Brum should have enough to hold on.

Prediction: Bore draw.

Hull Vs Bolton

This will not be a good match. You never know which Hull side will turn up, and Bolton are basically a non-entity.

Prediction: Bore draw mk2.

Man City Vs Wolves

Man City will look to build on their opening day win and I can't see Wolves putting up much of a fight.

Prediction: City superstars do it again.

Sunderland Vs Blackburn

Blackburn have looked better than expected this season, but Sunderland are showing signs of real class.

Prediction: Sunderland take three points.

Wigan Vs Man Utd

Both sides were poor this week and I expect improvements all round. I think there may be a twist in the tale though.

Prediction: Hard fought draw.

Burnley Vs Everton

Tough one to call. Burnley are buoyant after beating the champs, and Everton are shaken after a hammering by Arsenal.

Prediction: An Everton win brings Burnley back to earth.

Fulham Vs Chelsea

A local derby that tends to bring the best out in both sides. Fulham will fight but Chelsea have already proven their resilience this season.

Prediction: Three wins out of three for Chelsea

West Ham Vs Tottenham

As good as Spurs have looked this term consistency has never been their strong suit. West Ham look a team capable of upsets.

Prediction: West Ham sneak it.

Liverpool Vs Villa

A game of this magnitude has come to soon for Villa who look as bad as they did at the tail end of last season. Liverpool look full of endeavour and goals.

Prediction: A routine Liverpool victory.

Sense From Supple 20:57

Shane Supple

This is one of the strangest stories I've ever heard in football: 22 year old Ipswich keeper Shane Supple has decided to retire after apparently "falling out of love" with the game. Supple is highly rated at Ipswich and held the number one jersey for a time before the arrival of Richard Wright last season. He made his decision and talked it through with manager Roy Keane who was willing to cancel his contract.

My first reaction to this story was "what a twat", but having given it more thought I think it's one of the bravest and most sensible things I've ever heard from a sportsman. He decided that his heart wasn't in it, and instead of sticking with it purely for the pay he's decided to give it all up and find something that really interests him.

Every job on earth is populated by people who can't stand what they do, so why should football be any different? There must be tens, if not hundreds, of footballers who stay in the game for the money, or because they think it's all they're capable of. Young Shane has taken a courageous decision to come out of his comfort zone and find something he loves. So few people would ever do that, especially in an industry as well paid as professional football. I applaud him.

Me 2 - Lawro 0 19:05

I'm starting to build up a lead against my once-moustachioed foe. It's now 2-0 to me after I correctly predicted three results out of six compared to Lawro's two. Here's how the chips fell:

Burnley fans: officially loving it

Sunderland Vs Chelsea
My prediction: draw. Lawro's prediction: draw. Result: Sunderland 1 - Chelsea 3

Count Chelsea out at your peril. They started shakily once again as they had against Hull, but they rallied to a devastating comeback, outclassing Sunderland in all areas of the park. The positive for the Mackems is that new signing Darren Bent got on the scoresheet again and his partnership with Kenwyne Jones is getting better by the game.

Wigan Vs Wolves
My prediction: Wigan win. Lawro's prediction: Wigan win. Result: Wigan 0 - Wolves 1

A real surprise here. After the easy victory over Villa I (and Lawro) thought this would be a formality for Wigan, but Wolves scuppered that idea. Wigan will be fine but they need to add to their squad asap. Wolves will need to pick up more results like this if they're to have any chance of escaping the drop.

Birmingham Vs Portsmouth
My prediction: Brum win. Lawro's prediction: Brum win. Result: Brum 1 - 0 Pompey

This one went as expected. Portsmouth look a real shambles. David James is upset over the penalty incident, but to be fair to the ref I think he had every right to give it, James clattered Larsson, intentionally or not. It looks like Brum will soon be under the ownership of Carson Yeung, whereas Pompey's ownership situation is far from resolved.

Burnley Vs Man Utd
My prediction: United win. Lawro's prediction: United win. Result: Burnley 1 - 0 United

My good god. What the fuck happened here? Newly promoted Burnley handed the champions their asses. A wonder strike from Robbie Blake and a penalty save from the beast Brian Jensen helped Burnley to an unlikely victory. United are notoriously slow starters but this was shocking. Burnley will be brimming with confidence, whereas United will be shell-shocked going into their next fixture.

Hull Vs Tottenham
My prediction: Spurs win. Lawro's prediction: Draw. Result: Hull 1 - 5 Spurs

Spurs were quite magnificent in this game, and the true star was Jermain Defoe, smashing in a remarkable hat-trick against a poor Tigers side. Hull didn't look anything like the team that so gamely challenged Chelsea at the weekend. Spurs on the other hand looked like genuine Champions League contenders. Five goals for club and country this season make Defoe the top boy in the Prem right now.

Liverpool Vs Stoke
My prediction: Liverpool win. Lawro's prediction: Liverpool win. Result: Liverpool 4 - 0 Stoke

This is the result I predicted but I didn't expect it to be this emphatic. It was the perfect response after their poor showing against Spurs. A thoroughly professional performance was typified by a man of the match performance from Glen Johnson, capped with a superb goal. As with last season Stoke are rock solid at home but weak on the road.

I think it's safe to say that both Lawro and I did pathetically this week. But who cares, I still won.

Prediction race: Me 2 - 0 Lawro

Prem Predictions 17/08 20:01

It's time for round two of this year's Premiership predictions, I just shaded Lawro last round with five correct results to his four, let's see if I can repeat the feat. (FYI I make my predictions before I view Lawro's, so occasionally they'll be identical, but not often, he's an idiot.)

Rooney celebrates

Sunderland Vs Chelsea

Not an easy one to call here. Chelsea stuttered to an opening day victory against Hull, whilst Sunderland looked impressive away at Bolton. Ancelotti will demand a much better performance from his players, and he'll get it, but I don't think it'll necessarily be enough. I can see Sunderland nicking something here, especially if Bent and Jones are firing on all cylinders.

Prediction: Hard fought draw.

Wigan Vs Wolves

Wigan looked great in their opening game and will want to repeat that level of performance for their first home game of the season. Wolves' big problem lies with their lack of strikers, with Doyle, Iwelumo and possibly Ebanks-Blake missing it's difficult to see where the goals will come from.

Prediction: Two losses out of two for Wolves.

Birmingham Vs Portsmouth

Birmingham more than held their own against the champions at the weekend, so a visit by Pompey should be a fairly routine affair. Portsmouth looked every inch as bad as suspected at the weekend and are in serious trouble. The deal with the new owners is looking shakier by the day and they just don't have a squad capable of competing in the big league anymore.

Prediction: A relatively comfortable win for Brum.

Burnley Vs Man Utd

The game that every Burnley fan has been waiting for. The Clarets have had joy against top-end Prem teams before, most notably in last season's cups, but this will be a very different affair. Man Utd will be looking to improve on their average performance at the weekend, and will also be aware that with Liverpool slipping up they could start to build an early lead against their old enemy.

Prediction: United won't have it all their own way but will claim all three points.

Hull Vs Tottenham

Tough one to call (I certainly wouldn't have said that one week ago). Hull put up a very impressive performance against Chelsea and if they keep playing like that they could beat anybody. Spurs took the scalp of Liverpool and will be buoyant coming into this game. They look every inch a top six team.

Prediction: Spurs edge it, but only just.

Liverpool Vs Stoke

Liverpool will be furious after their opening day defeat to Spurs, and will be looking to bounce back immediately with an emphatic win. Stoke are a hard side to break down, and looked an established Premiership team at the weekend, but going to Anfield is a far different proposition to playing Burnley at home.

Prediction: A stylish win for Liverpool.

Bad Luck Colin 19:09

Colin Wanker

It's been a tough week for Neil Warnock. Firstly Crystal Palace were denied a perfectly legitimate goal due to refereeing incompetence, then Bristol scored a 90th minute winner after a Palace defensive fuck up. He then received an apology from referees' head Keith Hackett but was denied the chance to replay the game. This incident brings up two distinct yet equally valid points, which I'll take in turn.

Colin Wanker

Valid point one: goal line technology must be investigated.

Crystal Palace were denied a goal by the ineptitude of the referee and his linesman, ineptitude that could have been avoided if they'd had a fourth official checking a goal line camera replay. This surely would have taken no longer than 20 seconds to investigate, far less time than it took to calm down Warnock so that the game could continue. Instant replays are utilised in both cricket and rugby and in no way slow the game down (to be fair it'd be impossible to slow cricket down).

Had the goal stood then Palace would have been in the driving seat in the game. As it happened they were shaken by an atrocious decision and eventually lost the game. They were effectively cheated out of a possible result by old fashioned thinking and a lack of simple technology. Purists (read: miserable twats) will claim that over the course of a season some decisions will go for you, others against you, and it all evens out in the end. I say: why should we rely on unscientific guess-work such as this? Why not have the technology that gives us on-the-spot definitive answers?

Colin Wanker

Valid point two: Neil Warnock is a cunt.

Now, I almost feel a grain of sympathy for Warnock as for once he's in the right. Neil feels cheated every week, even if they win comfortably, but this time he actually has a case. The problem is instead of stating his case with grace and decorum, he decided to state it like Neil Warnock, i.e. as a mouthy, petulant, big-nosed cry-baby cunt.

Instead of venting his fury solely towards the match officials for fucking up, he decided to aim some of his northern wrath at Bristol manager Gary Johnson. Warnock's argument is that Johnson and his players should have admitted to the ref that it was a goal, or perhaps even allow Palace to walk the ball into the goal as recompense. That would have been a gentlemanly thing to do, sure, but it would also have been stupid. When you're handed a massive stroke of luck you don't throw it away. Johnson did what 99.9% of managers would have done in his position: nothing.

It would be rich of Warnock to claim that Johnson wasn't gentlemanly, after he himself refused to shake the hands of the Bristol players or manager after the game. That highlighted Warnock's typical lack of class and gross self-interest. The true victims of this are the Palace fans. Actually, no, I take that back. The true victims of this are us, the normal people, as we're the ones who will have to listen to Warnock harp on about this for the rest of his fucking life. Cunt.

Me 1 - Lawro 0 18:14

So I managed to predict five out of ten correct results in this weekend's Prem fixtures. That's one more than Mark Lawrenson managed. Each week I will predict the big league fixtures and compare them to Lawro's picks, so that at the end of the season I'll see if I'm a better judge of the game than the BBC's so-called 'football expert'. Let's see how I did.

Sebastien Bassong

Aston Villa Vs Wigan
My prediction: Villa win. Lawro's prediction: Villa win. Result: Villa 0 - Wigan 2

I did not see that coming. Villa were awful, had so few ideas and looked toothless in front of goal. Wigan, on the other hand, were fluid and confident going forward. Martinez has already got Wigan playing in the style that made Swansea a joy to watch last term. Villa need new blood and new ideas, and they need them fast.

Blackburn Vs Man City
My prediction: City win. Lawro's prediction: Draw. Result: Blackburn 0 - City 2

City won, but not easily. The 3rd minute opener from new boy Adebayor made it seem like it would be a rout, but Blackburn held firm and often had the better of the play. Multi-million pound signings aside, the star of the show for City was Stephen Ireland, and his wonderfully taken goal capped a solid City performance.

Bolton Vs Sunderland
My prediction: Draw. Lawro's prediction: Draw. Result: Bolton 0 - Sunderland 1

Darren Bent scored a debut goal to hand Sunderland the win in this surprisingly entertaining encounter. Bent and Kenwyne Jones linked together well and I think they'll be a formidable partnership. Bolton are nothing special but they'll do enough to avoid the relegation battle.

Chelsea Vs Hull
My prediction: Chelsea Win. Lawro's prediction: Chelsea win. Result: Chelsea 2 - Hull 1

Hull will have left Stamford Bridge with their heads held high, as an excellent team performance gave Chelsea a real scare. Chelsea hate figure Stephen Hunt put Hull in the lead and it took an injury time winner from Didier Drogba to finally swing things Chelsea's way. The blues will have to drastically improve if they want to challenge for the title. If Hull can play this way all year (and not capitulate half way through the season) they'll do just fine.

Everton Vs Arsenal
My prediction: Draw. Lawro's prediction: Everton win. Result: Everton 1 - Arsenal 6

Wow. Just wow. Arsenal blew Everton out of the water and they didn't even break a sweat. Fabregas pulled the strings and the rest of the team ran riot. It seems too easy to say that the ongoing Lescott transfer saga affected the team, but the Everton defenced seemed distracted all game. It's too early to tell if this result is indicative of anything for either team, but one thing's certain: Arsenal are just as much fun to watch as they've ever been. Don't write them off yet.

Portsmouth Vs Fulham
My prediction: Fulham win. Lawro's prediction: Fulham win. Result: Pompey 0 - Fulham 1

This one went down exactly as I had predicted. And it was the last game on Match of the Day, just like I said. Portsmouth are in real trouble and are looking bankers for relegation. Fulham have carried on where they left off last season and the incoming Damien Duff will only boost their chances of success.

Stoke Vs Burnley
My prediction: Stoke win. Lawro's prediction: Stoke win. Result: Stoke 2 - Burnley 0

Another game that went exactly as I'd predicted. Stoke looked solid, and scored a typical goal as a result of a trademark Rory Delap throw in. It's too early to judge Burnley and their chances of survival, as most teams struggle at the Britannia.

Wolves Vs West Ham
My prediction: Wolves win. Lawro's prediction: Wolves win. Result: Wolves 0 - West Ham 2

Wolves looked decidedly shaky in their first game back with the big boys. An injury to star striker Sylvain Ebanks-Blake near the end could be costly for them over the next few weeks, but they looked to have uncovered a diamond in Nenad Milijas. West Ham looked lively and full of goals. A wonder strike from Mark Noble is a firm contender for goal of the month.

Man Utd Vs Birmingham
My prediction: United win. Lawro's prediction: United win. Result: United 1 - Birmingham 0

A tough opener for the champions, who certainly didn't have it all their own way. Birmingham pressed and pushed and had plenty of chances to score, especially after Christian Benitez came off the bench. The Ecuadorian looks a real live wire. A Wayne Rooney goal was enough to settle the encounter, but Michael Owen will be kicking himself for missing a last minute chance when he was clean through on goal.

Tottenham Vs Liverpool
My prediction: Liverpool win. Lawro's prediction: Draw. Result: Spurs 2 - Liverpool 1

An early setback on Liverpool's challenge for the title in this even contest that could have gone either way. The reds were punished by a debut goal from Sebastien Bassong after Benoit Assou-Ekotto opened the scoring with a thunderous 30 yard strike. Spurs look like genuine challengers to the top four, but Liverpool need to regroup and rebound if they've any chance of securing their first title in 19 years.

So there we have it, one week down in the Premier League and already we've had thrilling games, shocks, surprises and wonder goals. It's going to be a good year.

Prediction race: Me 1 - Lawro 0

Prem Predictions 14/08 23:45

I hate summer. Let me rephrase that: I hate summers without football. If there's not a World Cup, European Championships or *shudder* Olympic tournament to care about then the summer becomes three months of unrelenting tedium. I have nothing to distract me from the alternating rain storms and heatwaves. I try to get into cricket but to no avail, it's just too damn boring. I'd rather shove a watermelon in my brown-eye than watch tennis. Golf is a great game to play but as interesting to watch as a royal wedding. Nothing works.

So it's with great joy and relief that the new Premiership season kicks off tomorrow. The best league in the world is back, and it threatens to be a true classic. How will Man Utd fare without their Portuguese wonderboy? Will Man City's billions break up the hegemony of the top four? Will Burnley be an even bigger embarrassment than the 2007-08 Derby side? Will Phil Brown learn to shut the fuck up? We just don't know, but I can't wait to find out. Here are my predictions for this weekend's top flight matches.


Aston Villa Vs Wigan

Villa haven't really strengthened but have youth and pace to burn. Wigan have only managed to attract inexperienced lower league players to match their inexperienced lower league manager. Martinez will struggle all season and will never match the achievements of Steve Bruce, who took the club as far as they could go. Home advantage will be key here.

Prediction: Villa win relatively easily.

Blackburn Vs Man City

This will be a game of dogged defending against a rampaging attack. Blackburn will be hard to break down, a sign of any Allardyce team (except Newcastle), but City's multi-million pound attack will cause them some real problems. Rovers' physical style will cause City problems of their own, and their players reaction to it will determine the outcome.

Prediction: I'm going for a narrow City victory.

Bolton Vs Sunderland

This won't be one for the ages. Sunderland look a lot stronger than in previous years, with Steve Bruce bringing in some real quality. Bolton are a solid team at home who score very few but concede less.

Prediction: Tough to call, but I think they'll cancel each other out.

Chelsea Vs Hull

This is what scientists refer to as a 'no-brainer'. It's the second best team in the league, on home soil, versus arguably the worst. Chelsea have a squad of such depth and quality that they could field their reserve team and still smash Hull off the park. Hull have essentially the same team as last year, which will cause them major problems, and not just against big boys like Chelsea.

Prediction: Chelsea will win at a canter. I think we'll see a minimum of 4 goals in this match.

Everton Vs Arsenal

This promises to be a very interesting encounter. Everton have been pushing the top four for some time now, and Arsenal are undoubtedly the weakest of that elite group. Everton have regained some of their strikers whereas Arsenal have lost one of theirs. Both sides have strong defences and the addition of Vermaelen to the Arsenal back line should see them become even tougher to breach.

Prediction: Another tough one. Everton will threaten but it'll end in a stalemate.

Portsmouth Vs Fulham

I'd put money on this being the last game on Match of the Day. Portsmouth have a useless manager and have lost their best players without replacement. Fulham were surprisingly good last year and have the talent at the front and back to ensure a repeat.

Prediction: Fulham win by the odd goal.

Stoke Vs Burnley

Clash of the titans. This will not be pretty, but it'll be full blooded and honest. Burnley are a better footballing side than they're given credit for but Stoke only play one way and won't be moved. Neither side has strengthened much over the close season, so I expect the experience of Stoke to shine through.

Prediction: An ugly but interesting encounter will end with the first taste of Prem defeat for the visitors.

Wolves Vs West Ham

Wolves have some real goalscorers in their team, specifically Ebanks-Blake and Doyle. They don't necessarily have the same quality in the middle and at the back though. West Ham, like Fulham, did superbly on limited resources last season and reproducing that would be seen as a success. Without the ever-injured Dean Ashton they lack firepower and it's hard to see where the goals will come from.

Prediction: Wolves will be the only promoted side to get all three points this weekend.

Man Utd Vs Birmingham

Another one that's easy to call. Even without Ronaldo United are the best team in the league. They have the deepest squad and the best tactics. Birmingham have greatly improved their squad over the summer which makes them almost an unknown quantity, but even this won't be enough to surprise United on their own turf.

Prediction: United win with ease and Owen opens his account.

Tottenham Vs Liverpool

The Spurs faithful think Harry Redknapp is the man to finally lead them back to the big time and they expect a real push for Champions League football this year. I think it's a season too early for that. Liverpool have lost some key players and failed to sign any big names, and Sunday will come too soon for their growing list of injured players

Prediction: Liverpool will miss Gerrard this week, but I think they'll just edge it.

So there we are, my first Prem predictions of the year. I'll recap how accurate I was when I write my weekend round up in a couple of days. I can't be any less accurate than this twat.

The Sack Race 21:30

With any new season comes the inevitable sacking of managers. Occasionally they get hoofed due to their own incompetence, but mostly it's done thanks to the reactionary impulses of club chairmen. With this in mind I thought I'd assess my top three picks for this year's Premiership sack race.

Who?
Paul Hart - Portsmouth

Why?

Hart is one of the more unlikely candidates to be a Premier League manager. Prior to taking the reigns at Pompey last year his previous job had been a disastrous six month stint at Conference side Rushden & Diamonds. His most high profile failure was his three year stay with Forest where he achieved absolutely nothing. In fact he's achieved nothing in his entire managerial career. Yes, 21 years in management and what does he have to show for it? Fuck all. Not one trophy, not one title. Yet he was deemed worthy of managing a Premiership team. Insanity.

That alone is reason to put him as front runner in the sack race, but when you factor in the problems with the club itself his departure seems like an inevitability. Pompey are in the middle of a takeover that's left the future of the club up in the air. This lack of ownership means Hart has no money to buy new players. Plus the fact they've been selling off the family silver all summer, losing star names such as Peter Crouch and Glen Johnson to Prem rivals. The fact is Pompey are going to face a relegation battle all season, and if Hart is still in charge by the new year then I'm a fucking Dutchman*.

*waar zijn de toiletten, alsjeblieft?

Right decision?

Undoubtedly. This abject failure of a human being is not the right man for this, or any, club.

Who?
Phil Brown - Hull

Why?

Bearded, mouthy, over tanned self-publicist Phil Brown will struggle to keep his job this year. He was seen as a god in East Yorkshire for getting Hull to the big time, but he was single handedly responsible for their appalling/hilarious implosion last year. They started well but a moment of supreme arrogance and hubris from Brown made them plummet down the table and survive only by the skin of their teeth. When Brown decided to give his underperforming side an on-pitch halftime team-talk he not only destroyed the morale of his team but showed himself to be a twat of gargantuan proportions.

This summer has seen Hull rejected by every available player on the market: Michael Owen inexplicably chose to sign for the best club in the world, Villa gazumped them for Habib Beye after they had an offer accepted, and even Bobby Zamora refused to sink that low. This can't just be blamed on Hull's 'unfashionable' status, much of the blame has to be placed squarely at Brown's door. As long as he sees himself as more of a media personality than an employee of Hull City the club will not succeed. They will be relegated this season and he'll be a pundit on Channel 5 this time next year.

Right decision?

Yes, yes and thrice yes. The man is an orange faced bellend and should be given his P45 immediately.

Who?
Alex McLeish - Birmingham

Why?

He may be an outside bet but he's far from safe in his job. It's no secret that he's hardly endeared himself to the board, with them having to publicly back him last year, even when they were top of the league. The dull, functional football that the team play has also made him unpopular with the Birmingham fans, a notoriously hard to please bunch (read: miserable cunts). Whilst I can't entirely blame him for this he will need to develop a better rapport with the supporters if he wants to keep his job.

Last season he struggled to bring in players due to a lack of funds, but this year the board have opened up their wallets and allowed him to splash out on established Prem players and unproven, but highly rated, foreigners. This will only serve to pile further pressure on him though as he no longer has any excuse for boring, defensive football. I fear that if Birmingham find themselves anywhere near the bottom three by Christmas then Big Eck will be fishing around the SPL for a new job.

Right decision?

Probably not, but frankly I couldn't give a lusty fuck about the boring jock shit anyway.

Week One Review 23:17

So there we are. One week down in the new season, and it's been quite a week. It's been a week of shocks, both in the Football League and in the League Cup, and there's no better place to start than at Carrow Road.

Norwich boss Bryan Gunn

Recently relegated Norwich were expected to be a good shout for an instant return to The Championship, but a 7-1 home fucking by Colchester has violently highlighted the reality of their situation. A home defeat is always hard to take but it's the manner of the defeat that must really irk the Norwich faithful, it was no less than a cowardly surrender. No wonder those fans chucked their season tickets away. Norwich need to heed the lesson of Leeds and be prepared for a long, hard season. History is no guarantee of success.

Notts County bigwigs

The big story of League Two was Notts County's 5-0 home victory over Bradford. Of course much of the plaudits are going to Sven, and this worries me. Manager Ian McParland still picks the team and buys the players, but I fear any County success will automatically be attributed to the enigmatic Swede, and any sign of failure will end with McParland's head on a plate. It seems to be a lose-lose situation for Ian, and no doubt he's earning far less than Svennis. It'll be interesting to see how this one plays out over the season.

Tim Krul

A lack of victories was the talking point of The Championship with only Coventry, Cardiff, Derby and Leicester managing to take all 3 points. Two promotion favourites met on Saturday, with West Brom and Newcastle sharing the spoils. Newcastle look a lot stronger than their lack of stabilty would suggest, but West Brom had the best of the game forcing Toon 'keeper Tim Krul into a string of excellent saves. Boro and Sheffield United struggled to an awful televised 0-0 draw*. These two sides will need to seriously buck up their ideas if they want to finish anywhere near the top of the league.

*I was majorly aggrieved that the Football League season kicked off on a Friday night. Sky television seems hell-bent on sucking every ounce of tradition out of football.


Derby's league win was spoiled somewhat by their humiliation in the Carling Cup, losing to League Two Rotherham. It's a long way from being semi-finalists, eh Derby? Notts County too returned to Earth with a thump after tasting defeat at home to Doncaster, and Norwich began to restore their pride with a resounding 4-0 victory away at Yeovil. The second round draw threw up a couple of potential banana skins. My money's on Blackpool shocking their Lancashire rivals Wigan, and Southampton dispensing of perennial cup failures Birmingham.

Scotland celebrate. Not today, obviously.

I wasn't going to mention the internationals (as I couldn't give a shiny shite about friendlies or competitive matches that don't feature England) but it would be remiss of me not to mention, and laugh at, Scotland's 4-0 bumming at the hands of Norway, and Wales' humiliating defeat in Montenegro, a team ranked 96th in the world. Neither of these 'home nations' should, or will, qualify for the World Cup. They represent the exact reason why I hate being called 'British'. Oh, England drew.