The Scumbag XI 19:51

In honour of Steven Gerrard's court appearance for allegedly twatting some bloke in a pub I've decided to put together a fantasy football team consisting of criminals, cheats and cunts. I call it The Scumbag XI:

Name: Luke McCormick

Position: Goalkeeper

Former Plymouth 'keeper McCormick was jailed in 2008 for reckless driving leading to the death of two children. Brothers Arron, 8, and Ben, 10, were on a day out with their father when McCormick smashed into their car in his Range Rover. A terrible accident perhaps? No. McCormick was pissed-up. Twice the legal limit in fact. His idiocy and recklessness led to the untimely death of two kids and destroyed the lives of their parents. He deserves to rot in jail for the rest of his miserable life, but will clearly only serve half of his measly seven year sentence. British justice at work.

Name: Ashley Cole
Position: Defender

There are many reasons to dislike Ashley Cole: being a mercenary bastard, being married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, cheating on said woman with an absolute hog, allegedly shoving a mobile phone up his arse, the list goes on. Of these sleeping with the hairdresser is the worst sin. Never, under any circumstances, go out for a burger when you've got steak at home. Also, surely Cashley knew that the low-rent slapper was going to tout her story to the tabloids for a few pieces of silver? So not only is he greedy, spawny, untrustworthy and bent, he's also really fucking thick.

Name: Chris Morgan

Position: Defender

The Sheffield United defender has a track record of evil such as punching Robin Van Persie in the chest, but his pièce de résistance was elbowing Iain Hume in the head. The intentional collision left Hume with a fractured skull and internal bleeding. His injuries were considered life threatening and required him to have surgery, keeping him out of the game for nine months. At the time the foul received only a yellow card and Morgan escaped punishment from the FA. This is the greatest crime of all. What Morgan did was tantamount to assault. He should have been subject to criminal prosecution, let alone FA censure.

Name: Sinisa Mihajlovic
Position: Defender

The former Lazio centre back is a notorious racist bastard. In 2000 he was accused of calling Patrick Vieira a "black shit". Mihajlovic admitted the charge but claimed it was in response to Vieira's own racist remark of "gypsy shit". Two things to note here: firstly gypsies aren't a race, no matter what they say, and secondly referring to someone as a "gypsy shit" is funny, no matter the situation. It's no surprise that Mihajlovic succumbed to racism, seeing as he was playing for possibly the most racist team in the world at the time. A team loved by none other than Mussolini himself.

Name: Jonathan Woodgate
Position: Defender

The man apparently known as 'Village', as in idiot, has done some stupid things in his time but possibly none more so than attacking an Asian student outside a Leeds nightclub. Village, along with three other morons, launched a vicious attack on Sarfraz Najeib where he suffered a broken leg, nose and cheekbone. Village managed to escape the jail sentence he deserved and got away with some cushy community service. I like to think that karma caught up with him in the end though. Upon signing for Real Madrid in 2004 he failed to make an appearance in his first season due to injury, and when he finally made his debut he scored an own goal and was sent off. Village indeed.

Name: Lee Bowyer
Position: Midfielder

Hunchback of Notre Dame lookalike Bowyer was one of Village's co-morons in their cowardly attack on a student. The amusing thing here is that Bowyer, despite being acquitted on all charges, was labelled a "liar" by the Judge, meaning that publications (and half arsed blogs) can refer to Bowyer as a liar without fear of legal repercussions. It's not just nightclubs where Lee enjoys a punch-up, he's also fond of them on the pitch. Mid-match. With his own team mate. His brawl, and subsequent dismissal, with team mate Kieron Dyer will go down as one of the most hilarious events in football history. Look at the above photo, even Stephen Carr is smiling.

Name: Dennis Wise (pictured here with Kevin Keegan)
Position: Midfielder

The man that Alex Ferguson once said could "start a fight in an empty house" with a rap sheet longer that he is, Dennis Wise is the ultimate scumbag. From an unprovoked attack on a taxi driver, to biting the arm of an opponent, to breaking the cheekbone of a teammate over a game of poker. The worst part of the Callum Davidson face smashing incident is that Davidson wasn't even the one in an argument with Wise, Callum made the mistake of attempting to calm the situation and faced the full 5ft fury of Wise. Wise was, understandably, sacked by Leicester after this incident, but his inexplicable attempts to sue for unlawful dismissal were the catalyst for City going into administration. What a cunt.

Name: Joey Barton
Position: Midfielder

My feelings on Joey Barton are well documented. Just to reiterate: stubbing cigar in teammate's eye, punching a child, beating colleagues to a pulp, beating civilians to a pulp...just another Friday night for Joey Barton. The most heinous thing about this twat is that after every violent incident he'll keep the beatings to a minimum for a week or two then release some bullshit statement about how he's changed, only to be caught on CCTV smashing holy fuck out of a passerby five minutes later.

Name: Roy Keane
Position: Midfielder

Keane is a self-confessed scumbag. He admitted in his autobiography that in 2001 he intentionally stamped on the knee of Alf-Inge Haaland, leading to an injury that eventually ended Haaland's career. This alone is a twattish act, but it becomes more twattish when you realise it was a pre-meditated attack of festering revenge. In a 1997 match Keane hurt himself attempting to tackle Haaland, and as Keane lay injured Haaland mocked him. For this simple act of mockery Roy Keane locked himself in a room for four years while he concocted a fiendish plan of revenge. And that plan was...stamp on him. Nice one Keano.

Name: Marlon King
Position: Striker

Serial offender King is never far from the news headlines, and it's never for his goal scoring ability. In 2002 he served five months in nick for handling a stolen car. The thing that bugs me about this the most was that at the time he was a First Division footballer earning in the region of 10k a week, so why the hell did he feel the need to get hold of a knocked-off BMW? You'd think his time in clink would have taught him a lesson but no, in 2008 he was banned from driving for doing 106mph in a 60mph area (presumably in a stolen car), and then later that year was arrested on suspicion of punching some bird in the face in a bar. He might as well just retire from football and take up twattery full time.

Name: Lee Hughes
Position: Striker

Murdering coward Lee Hughes may well be the biggest scumbag on this list. Bigger even than Dennis Wise. In 2002 Hughes smashed his posh Merc into a Renault, killing the passenger inside. What did Hughes do at this point? Did he call an ambulance? Did he wait to speak to the police? No, he ran off. He fled the scene like the cowardly, pathetic shit that he is because, surprise surprise, he'd been drinking. He eventually turned himself into the police and served three years. As soon as he came out he returned to football with Oldham (who I will never forgive). The fact that he was allowed to return to his luxurious high-paid lifestyle angers me beyond belief. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. And now he's part of the Sven revolution at Notts County. If there's any justice in the world he will be killed in a car accident on the way to his first day of training.

Sven's Gone Mad 18:57

Sven-Goran Eriksson

File this under 'The Weirdest Fucking Thing I've Ever Heard', Sven-Goran Eriksson has signed on to become Director of Football at...wait for it...Notts County. Notts County! Yes the former head coach of Lazio and England is now boss of the fifth biggest club in the East Midlands (I'm counting Northampton). Svennis decided to join the League Two outfit after their new Middle-Eastern owners outlined their plans for the club. Well, that and the £2m a year they're paying him.

Marco Boogers

I've seen and heard some strange shit in my 20 years of watching football but this ranks up there with some of the all time greats. This is 'Mad' Marco Boogers running away from West Ham and being found in a Dutch caravan strange. This is Graham Poll giving a player 3 yellow cards strange. This is Michael Ricketts playing for England strange. This is Willy Gueret getting nicked during a match strange. This is Gary Charles being found pissed up in his car surrounded by torn up banknotes and his own shit strange. It's just very, very strange.

Bonkers Brum 20:18

Birmingham City are a very strange club. And I can prove it.

Cameron Jerome

Exhibit A) This week they handed striker Cameron Jerome a new five year deal, despite him only managing to find the net nine times last term. Knowing, as I do, many Birmingham City supporters I know that Jerome is thought by the fans to be a useless piece of shit. The general consensus is that he doesn't work hard, doesn't run enough and couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo. Yet Alex McLeish believes him a Premier League worthy forward.

Barry Ferguson

Exhibit B) They are in final talks to buy Barry Ferguson. This is the same Barry Ferguson who got pissed up before a Scotland World Cup qualifier against Iceland. The same Barry Ferguson who then went on to make petulant V-sign gestures to the crowd in that same match, effectively ending his international career. Oh, and the same Barry Ferguson who in his first stint in the Premiership was an embarrassing failure and was soon shipped back to Rangers, leaving Blackburn with a £3m loss. Yet Alex McLeish believes him a Premier League worthy midfielder.

Joey Barton

Exhibit C) They are rumoured to be interested in bringing in Joey Barton on loan. This is the same Joey Barton who stubbed out a cigar in a team mate's eye. The same Joey Barton who punched a 15-year-old Everton fan. The same Joey Barton who received a suspended prison sentence for beating the shit out of a team mate on the training pitch. The same Joey Barton who served two months in nick for assault on a 16-year-old. Yet Alex McLeish believes him not to be a subhuman violent scumbag who has no right to the luxury of being a professional footballer, and should be behind bars for the good of society.

Jeff Hall Memorial Clock

There is much more evidence of Birmingham City's strangeness: signing expensive unproven Ecuadorians, installing undersoil heating about 20 years after every other club, the world's smallest clock, Karen Brady. The list goes on, but surely the Joey Barton rumour is the strangest. Can you imagine Barton and Lee Bowyer in the same side? They'd be sent off every week for kicking the living piss out of one another. Actually, that's not a bad idea. Sign him up McLeish.

Man City Madness 21:40

Emmanuel Adebayor

It appears that Emmanuel Adebayor's promotional brochure has done the trick. He has today completed a medical at Man City and looks set to join Mark Hughes' Manc revolution in a £25m deal. So with the Tevez deal that's £50.5m of Arab money that Hughes has spent on strikers this week. Based on their combined goals scored last season that's approximately £1.6m per goal. If you factor in the £17.5m for Roque Santa Cruz and his goal return last season the figure then becomes £1.8m per goal. Value for money? I think not.

It's fair to say that the three strikers hardly set the Premiership alight last season. The notoriously lazy and disinterested Adebayor managed just 10 league goals (16 in all competitions), the oft-injured Santa Cruz netted just 6 times all season (4 in the league), and (the admittedly bench-warming) Tevez scored just 5 league goals (15 all in). Yet this return has apparently prompted Hughes to splash out the GDP of a minor African nation to acquire their services.

Roque Santa Cruz

Former Man City player Dennis Tueart is quoted as saying: "The big challenge for managers now is to manage extremely wealthy young men, who do not need to work beyond their football careers." He couldn't be more right. If Adebayor couldn't be bothered to apply himself for a top four side, how the hell can he be expected to put the effort in for a mid-table side when he knows that win, lose or draw he'll still go home to his Cheshire mansion, fleet of sports cars and trophy wife?

Santa Cruz has also shown himself to be something of a fair-weather player. Last term he seemed to be putting in the bare minimum of effort in the knowledge that he'd almost certainly be leaving Blackburn at the end of the season. If this is the strike force that Hughes thinks will graft and shoot them to the top of the table he's sorely mistaken. At least Tevez has something to prove, he'll want to show the red side of Manchester what they're missing, so he may well end up being worth his transfer fee.

Ludicrous fees and bad attitudes aside, just how many strikers do Man City have now? It appears that Hughes intends to field a team something like this next season:

Hartson Critical 21:13

John Hartson

It has been reported today that former Arsenal and Celtic striker John Hartson is in critical condition in hospital after surgery. On Monday it was announced that he was suffering from testicular cancer which has spread to his brain, and today it was revealed that it has also spread to his lungs. I can only hope that Hartson follows in the footsteps of fellow footballers Geoff Horsfield, Neil Harris and Alan Stubbs. All of them contracted testicular cancer, had successful surgery and fully recovered.

Lance Armstrong

Obviously Hartson's case is somewhat worse than the aforementioned, but that doesn't mean all hope is lost. In 1996 cyclist Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with cancer of the testicle, lungs and brain, much like John. After successful treatment Armstrong went on to win seven back-to-back Tour De France titles, and is currently part of the leading pack in that very race. Hopefully John can take heart from that. If Hartson the player is any indication of Hartson the man then one thing's for sure: he won't give up without a fight.

Predictions 2009-10 14:48

Every year Blue Maniac and I have a competition where we predict the Premiership table, the ups and downs of the Football Leagues (with the exception of League Two), and the winners of the domestic and international cups. We use an unscientific yet workable scoring system (that I shan't begin to describe) and at the end of the season the winner buys the other one a curry. Blue Maniac won last year after two successive victories for myself. Let's take a look at this year:


Premier League

1) Man Utd
2) Chelsea
3) Liverpool
4) Arsenal

I think it's going to be pretty much 'as you were' at the top of the table. Man Utd's strength in depth, plus the cash from the Cristiano Ronaldo sale, will see their fourth successive title. The addition of Michael Owen will be a shrewd move and his link up play with Wayne Rooney will bring a lot of goals.

The influence of Carlo Ancelotti will see Chelsea regain their place as Utd's closest challengers, with Liverpool once again being also-rans. The scousers need to stop relying on Gerrard and Torres to win games, or else the title they so crave will continue to elude them. A lack of investment and a dearth of new ideas will see Arsenal continue to be a distant 4th to the top three.

5) Everton
6) Man City
7) Aston Villa
8) Tottenham

Consistency is the key for Everton who will hold on to fifth place and qualify for Europe once again, but holding on to Joleon Lescott will be a priority. The big defender is integral to the Toffee's success, not only defensively but by pitching in with a few goals too. Nouveau riche Man City will bring in enough talent to propel them up the league, but nowhere near to breaking into the top four. Cash can buy players but it can't buy a team.

Villa will look to build on last season when they started strongly but faded badly towards the end. The fickle Villa fans are getting on Martin O'Neill's back, claiming that he's taken them as far as he can. To them I would say: who exactly could take you further? Martin is one of the best managers in the country and his penchant for young, English talent will stand Villa in good stead.

Having Harry Redknapp in the hotseat will put Spurs in the position to push for Europe, his transfer policy of 'throw enough shit and see what sticks' usually provides plenty of flops but also a few genuine successes. If they prune the dead leaves (Bent, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko) and bring in some new blood they'll do OK.

9) West Ham
10) Bolton
11) Fulham
12) Sunderland
13) Wigan
14) Blackburn

The mid-table will look much like it always does. West Ham will do well under Zola and Clarke but a lack of funds will inhibit their ability to get any higher than 9th. Bolton have steadied under Gary Megson with their previous defensive frailties having been somewhat solved. Last year's surprise package Fulham will look to repeat their achievements and the experience and knowledge of Roy Hodgson should allow them to do so. Wigan and Blackburn are perennial Prem also-rans and I see nothing this year to think that this will change.

15) Stoke
16) Wolves
17) Birmingham
18) Portsmouth
19) Burnley
20) Hull

The relegation battle will be an interesting one this year. Stoke did superbly well last year and were a hair's breadth from a top half finish. The rest of the league is wise now to their physical style and throw-in heavy attack so they won't have the element of surprise in their favour. Despite that I see them finishing well above the drop zone.

New boys Wolves and Birmingham are investing heavily on success, with Wolves splashing £6.5m on Kevin Doyle and Brum shelling out £9m on unproven Ecuadorian Christian Benitez. This could be a risky strategy for both sides, but their last stints in the Prem were marked by a lack of investment and eventual relegation so their cavalier spending this time is understandable. Come the end of the season the existence of 3 worse teams will see them safe.

Those worse teams are Portsmouth, Burnley & Hull. Pompey have been flirting with disaster for a couple years now, and with the ongoing saga over their ownership unsettling the players they're destined for Championship football in a years time. Burnley, it's a shame to say, will have neither the money nor talent to compete in the big league so will drop out of the Prem after just a year. I genuinely hope I'm wrong here.

Hull will (and deserve to) be relegated. Despite a great start that saw them get wins over Arsenal and Spurs and draws against Liverpool and Everton they capitulated in the second half of the season. They were an abomination and survived by the skin of their teeth. Self-publicist Phil Brown will moan about everything except himself for the next 10 months until Hull are sent back from whence they came.


The Championship

Champions) Newcastle United
Runner Up) West Brom
Playoffs) Ipswich
Relegated) Scunthorpe, Barnsley & Plymouth

Despite the loss of Michael Owen and eventually several other key players I can't see past Newcastle for the title. The quicker their ownership situation is resolved and Alan Shearer installed as manager the better. The Toon will be a huge draw for any player so Newcastle will have no problem signing the players they need to return to the Prem at the first time of asking.

Archetypal yo-yo club West Brom will once again bounce back to the Premiership. They've managed to retain the core of their Prem squad and a few useful additions such as prolific former Swindon striker Simon Cox will fire them towards the top. New manager Roberto Di Matteo is unproven at this level but I think he has the natural flair to be a success. Only time will tell.

Ipswich have been languishing in the Championship for many years now without any hint of success, but I think this year may be their year. It's impossible to overstate the importance of Roy Keane, a manger who commands respect and loyalty and has experience of getting an underperforming team out of this division. I think automatic promotion is out of the question but a playoff win is well within their grasp.

Not much to say about the relegation picture except that I think Scunthorpe will struggle to deal with the step up from League One. Barnsley and Plymouth were shocking last season and I can't see anything to suggest that they won't be just as bad this year.

League One

Champions) Leeds
Runner Up) MK Dons
Playoffs) Norwich
Relegated) Exeter, Wycome, Carlise & Swindon

Leeds' torrid tenure in the third tier will finally come to an end this season. With a good young manager in Simon Grayson they have all the attributes to win the league, but only as long as they hold onto star men Delph and Beckford. The return of Paul Ince to the MK Dons should see them build on last year's success and see them promoted for the second time in three years. Norwich are the best equipped of the relegated teams to bounce back, but only through the playoffs. New boys Exeter and Wycombe will share the relegation spots with Carlise and Swindon, the latter of whom won't recover from the loss of Simon Cox.

The Cups

FA Cup) Liverpool
League Cup) Manchester City
Champions League) Chelsea
Europa League) Zenit St. Petersburg
World Cup) England
African Nations) Egypt

With the Premiership title beyond them Liverpool's best chance of success comes in the domestic cups. Benitez will be under pressure from the board and supporters to deliver silverware and I think it'll be their names on this year's FA Cup. Whilst I've stated elsewhere that Man City will win nothing I'm hedging my bets here and tipping them for the League Cup. Mark Hughes is another manager under pressure and realistically this is all they could win so Hughes will field his strongest eleven in each round.

After several years of being the nearly mean Chelsea will finally get their hands on the Champions League. I'd even go so far as to predict that they'll beat their old manager, and current Inter Milan boss, Jose Mourinho in the final. My hope for this year's trophy is that Man Utd face Real Madrid and destroy them, just to see Ronaldo's face. Truth be told I've completely guessed at the Europa League winners, opting for one of the Russian clubs. Mafia money goes a long way.

Obviously I've let my heart rule my head here but I'm tipping England for World Cup success. There is absolutely no doubt that we have good enough players, and we have one of the very best managers in the world. We just need our big names to perform and a heavy dose of good luck. If our qualifying games are anything to go by we should have no trouble scoring goals, we just need to make sure we've the right goalkeeper between sticks keeping them out.

I know very little about the African Nations as in past years I've found it to be unwatchable, but as Egypt have won the last two I'm taking the easy bet and tipping them for a third.

So there are my predictions. Hopefully this time next year I'll be celebrating an England World Cup win with a free curry.

Man City Transfer Talk 12:09

Samuel Eto'o

According to reports Manchester City have pulled the plug on their move for Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o. Hmmm, "pulled the plug"? So it was City's decision not to sign a man who would never play for them in a million fucking years was it? This reminds me of when Andy Cole announced his international retirement despite not having played for his country for a year, not being picked for the World Cup squad, and generally being considered not good enough to wear the shirt. Both of these incidents are examples of 'You Can't Fire Me, I Quit' syndrome.

John Terry

The Sunday rags are reporting that John Terry has demanded talks with City about a move to Eastlands after showdown talks with Roman Abramovich. If this is true (which it almost certainly isn't) it doesn't change my belief that Terry will never be a Manchester City player. As I said in my last post he has far too much loyalty and ambition to join City. Why would an already wealthy player leave a successful club that annually compete for four trophies in order to join one that hasn't won anything for 33 years? If he has asked to talk to City it's purely as leverage to acquire a better contract at Chelsea.

Carlos Tevez

By most accounts the Tevez move is all but done, with him set to sign for £25m on Tuesday. I have to believe that this is Carlos' big "fuck you" to Alex Ferguson, and who can blame him. Ferguson made very little effort to keep Tevez, despite his obvious commitment to the club and desire to succeed. This commitment and desire endeared him to the Old Trafford fans, so it's a shame that his "fuck you" to Ferguson is a "fuck you" to them too.

Shitty Kit Showcase 21:35

A new Premiership season brings a new set of kits, some stylish, some functional and some downright disgusting. Let's look at some of the latter.

Bolton:

This is just awful. I'm all for retro styling but this 80s abomination is just wrong. Those stripes at the bottom of the shirt are both ugly and unnecessary. What makes this all the more egregious is that it's designed by high-end sportsware manufacturer Reebok. If it were made by Errea or Jako then I could understand it being this shit, but as it's Reebok there's absolutely no excuse. I hope this kit is the reason why Bolton's summer targets choose not to sign for the club. That and the fact that Gary Megson is a cunt.

Chelsea:

To be fair this one really isn't that bad, but I can't not comment on the bizarre armour plating style design on the front of the shirt. It looks like a stab vest. But the big question is whether John Terry will be wearing the kit this season. Will he? Yes, of course he fucking will. Terry is one of the most loyal, driven men in football. There is no way in hell that he'll chase the pound signs all the way to Eastlands to play for a club that will win precisely fuck all.

Everton:

What the fuck is going on here? The shirt looks like a maternity dress. There is absolutely no excuse for the bib-like white triangle below the neck. It looks awful and serves no purpose. Much like Phil Neville. Eh? Classic.

Man Utd:

Continuing the theme of pointless affectations we have the black flash on the new Man Utd shirt. At least this has a very specific purpose: to make this kit look marginally different to last year's so that the millions of United fans across the globe fork out yet another £50. Football clubs just love fucking their fans. That said, if any fans deserve a royal fucking it's United fans. The self-satisfied, glory hunting, smug, cockney cunts.

Wolves:

Christ! My eyes, my eyes! This is insanely bright. Wolves kits used to be a less offensive gold, but this tangerine number is just ridiculous. That's two teams in the Prem now with grim orange and black kits, Hull being the other. What's the odds on both of them joining fellow eye-offenders Blackpool in the Championship next season? Maybe I'll ask Sporting Bet.