The Scumbag XI

In honour of Steven Gerrard's court appearance for allegedly twatting some bloke in a pub I've decided to put together a fantasy football team consisting of criminals, cheats and cunts. I call it The Scumbag XI:

Name: Luke McCormick

Position: Goalkeeper

Former Plymouth 'keeper McCormick was jailed in 2008 for reckless driving leading to the death of two children. Brothers Arron, 8, and Ben, 10, were on a day out with their father when McCormick smashed into their car in his Range Rover. A terrible accident perhaps? No. McCormick was pissed-up. Twice the legal limit in fact. His idiocy and recklessness led to the untimely death of two kids and destroyed the lives of their parents. He deserves to rot in jail for the rest of his miserable life, but will clearly only serve half of his measly seven year sentence. British justice at work.

Name: Ashley Cole
Position: Defender

There are many reasons to dislike Ashley Cole: being a mercenary bastard, being married to one of the most beautiful women in the world, cheating on said woman with an absolute hog, allegedly shoving a mobile phone up his arse, the list goes on. Of these sleeping with the hairdresser is the worst sin. Never, under any circumstances, go out for a burger when you've got steak at home. Also, surely Cashley knew that the low-rent slapper was going to tout her story to the tabloids for a few pieces of silver? So not only is he greedy, spawny, untrustworthy and bent, he's also really fucking thick.

Name: Chris Morgan

Position: Defender

The Sheffield United defender has a track record of evil such as punching Robin Van Persie in the chest, but his pièce de résistance was elbowing Iain Hume in the head. The intentional collision left Hume with a fractured skull and internal bleeding. His injuries were considered life threatening and required him to have surgery, keeping him out of the game for nine months. At the time the foul received only a yellow card and Morgan escaped punishment from the FA. This is the greatest crime of all. What Morgan did was tantamount to assault. He should have been subject to criminal prosecution, let alone FA censure.

Name: Sinisa Mihajlovic
Position: Defender

The former Lazio centre back is a notorious racist bastard. In 2000 he was accused of calling Patrick Vieira a "black shit". Mihajlovic admitted the charge but claimed it was in response to Vieira's own racist remark of "gypsy shit". Two things to note here: firstly gypsies aren't a race, no matter what they say, and secondly referring to someone as a "gypsy shit" is funny, no matter the situation. It's no surprise that Mihajlovic succumbed to racism, seeing as he was playing for possibly the most racist team in the world at the time. A team loved by none other than Mussolini himself.

Name: Jonathan Woodgate
Position: Defender

The man apparently known as 'Village', as in idiot, has done some stupid things in his time but possibly none more so than attacking an Asian student outside a Leeds nightclub. Village, along with three other morons, launched a vicious attack on Sarfraz Najeib where he suffered a broken leg, nose and cheekbone. Village managed to escape the jail sentence he deserved and got away with some cushy community service. I like to think that karma caught up with him in the end though. Upon signing for Real Madrid in 2004 he failed to make an appearance in his first season due to injury, and when he finally made his debut he scored an own goal and was sent off. Village indeed.

Name: Lee Bowyer
Position: Midfielder

Hunchback of Notre Dame lookalike Bowyer was one of Village's co-morons in their cowardly attack on a student. The amusing thing here is that Bowyer, despite being acquitted on all charges, was labelled a "liar" by the Judge, meaning that publications (and half arsed blogs) can refer to Bowyer as a liar without fear of legal repercussions. It's not just nightclubs where Lee enjoys a punch-up, he's also fond of them on the pitch. Mid-match. With his own team mate. His brawl, and subsequent dismissal, with team mate Kieron Dyer will go down as one of the most hilarious events in football history. Look at the above photo, even Stephen Carr is smiling.

Name: Dennis Wise (pictured here with Kevin Keegan)
Position: Midfielder

The man that Alex Ferguson once said could "start a fight in an empty house" with a rap sheet longer that he is, Dennis Wise is the ultimate scumbag. From an unprovoked attack on a taxi driver, to biting the arm of an opponent, to breaking the cheekbone of a teammate over a game of poker. The worst part of the Callum Davidson face smashing incident is that Davidson wasn't even the one in an argument with Wise, Callum made the mistake of attempting to calm the situation and faced the full 5ft fury of Wise. Wise was, understandably, sacked by Leicester after this incident, but his inexplicable attempts to sue for unlawful dismissal were the catalyst for City going into administration. What a cunt.

Name: Joey Barton
Position: Midfielder

My feelings on Joey Barton are well documented. Just to reiterate: stubbing cigar in teammate's eye, punching a child, beating colleagues to a pulp, beating civilians to a pulp...just another Friday night for Joey Barton. The most heinous thing about this twat is that after every violent incident he'll keep the beatings to a minimum for a week or two then release some bullshit statement about how he's changed, only to be caught on CCTV smashing holy fuck out of a passerby five minutes later.

Name: Roy Keane
Position: Midfielder

Keane is a self-confessed scumbag. He admitted in his autobiography that in 2001 he intentionally stamped on the knee of Alf-Inge Haaland, leading to an injury that eventually ended Haaland's career. This alone is a twattish act, but it becomes more twattish when you realise it was a pre-meditated attack of festering revenge. In a 1997 match Keane hurt himself attempting to tackle Haaland, and as Keane lay injured Haaland mocked him. For this simple act of mockery Roy Keane locked himself in a room for four years while he concocted a fiendish plan of revenge. And that plan was...stamp on him. Nice one Keano.

Name: Marlon King
Position: Striker

Serial offender King is never far from the news headlines, and it's never for his goal scoring ability. In 2002 he served five months in nick for handling a stolen car. The thing that bugs me about this the most was that at the time he was a First Division footballer earning in the region of 10k a week, so why the hell did he feel the need to get hold of a knocked-off BMW? You'd think his time in clink would have taught him a lesson but no, in 2008 he was banned from driving for doing 106mph in a 60mph area (presumably in a stolen car), and then later that year was arrested on suspicion of punching some bird in the face in a bar. He might as well just retire from football and take up twattery full time.

Name: Lee Hughes
Position: Striker

Murdering coward Lee Hughes may well be the biggest scumbag on this list. Bigger even than Dennis Wise. In 2002 Hughes smashed his posh Merc into a Renault, killing the passenger inside. What did Hughes do at this point? Did he call an ambulance? Did he wait to speak to the police? No, he ran off. He fled the scene like the cowardly, pathetic shit that he is because, surprise surprise, he'd been drinking. He eventually turned himself into the police and served three years. As soon as he came out he returned to football with Oldham (who I will never forgive). The fact that he was allowed to return to his luxurious high-paid lifestyle angers me beyond belief. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil. And now he's part of the Sven revolution at Notts County. If there's any justice in the world he will be killed in a car accident on the way to his first day of training.