Shitty Kit Showcase

A new Premiership season brings a new set of kits, some stylish, some functional and some downright disgusting. Let's look at some of the latter.

Bolton:

This is just awful. I'm all for retro styling but this 80s abomination is just wrong. Those stripes at the bottom of the shirt are both ugly and unnecessary. What makes this all the more egregious is that it's designed by high-end sportsware manufacturer Reebok. If it were made by Errea or Jako then I could understand it being this shit, but as it's Reebok there's absolutely no excuse. I hope this kit is the reason why Bolton's summer targets choose not to sign for the club. That and the fact that Gary Megson is a cunt.

Chelsea:

To be fair this one really isn't that bad, but I can't not comment on the bizarre armour plating style design on the front of the shirt. It looks like a stab vest. But the big question is whether John Terry will be wearing the kit this season. Will he? Yes, of course he fucking will. Terry is one of the most loyal, driven men in football. There is no way in hell that he'll chase the pound signs all the way to Eastlands to play for a club that will win precisely fuck all.

Everton:

What the fuck is going on here? The shirt looks like a maternity dress. There is absolutely no excuse for the bib-like white triangle below the neck. It looks awful and serves no purpose. Much like Phil Neville. Eh? Classic.

Man Utd:

Continuing the theme of pointless affectations we have the black flash on the new Man Utd shirt. At least this has a very specific purpose: to make this kit look marginally different to last year's so that the millions of United fans across the globe fork out yet another £50. Football clubs just love fucking their fans. That said, if any fans deserve a royal fucking it's United fans. The self-satisfied, glory hunting, smug, cockney cunts.

Wolves:

Christ! My eyes, my eyes! This is insanely bright. Wolves kits used to be a less offensive gold, but this tangerine number is just ridiculous. That's two teams in the Prem now with grim orange and black kits, Hull being the other. What's the odds on both of them joining fellow eye-offenders Blackpool in the Championship next season? Maybe I'll ask Sporting Bet.