International football leaves me cold. I truly couldn't give two shits about England winning a meaningless friendly against sub-standard opposition. Does our
victory over Slovenia have any bearing on how we'll perform in South Africa? Of course not. Did we learn anything about our players that we didn't already know? Not at all. Will the game have prepared the squad for the much more difficult task of taking on the Croatians? Almost certainly not.
Andy "tactics truck" Townsend
Events were not helped by the game being broadcast on
ITV either.
ITV has the worst commentary team in the world. Actually, I take that back, as the main commentators, specifically Clive
Tyldesley, are accomplished and experienced play-by-play men. It is the mentally challenged buffoons that accompany them, offering banal observations and insipid quips, that make
ITV coverage unwatchable.
David Pleat's deficiencies are well documented, the man is a moron who wilfully mispronounces players names. I remember him repeatedly referring to
Youri Djorkaeff as "
jerkoff". Perhaps this was in reference to Pleat's
arrest for kerb-crawling. On Saturday England fans were subjected to the dubious wisdom of Andy Townsend, a man for whom an insightful comment is "he's really kicked the ball there", or "this certainly is football".
The studio team are no better. Steve Ryder has all the personality of a flannel, and all the football acumen of
Sir Clive Woodward. Why he was given the reigns and the vastly more reliable Gaby Logan was given the boot I'll never know. And the less I say about Matt Smith's stilted delivery the better. He sounds like he's recovering from a head injury. Robbie Earle is a surprisingly game and astute pundit, but compared to BBC rivals Hansen, Dixon, Shearer
et al he's a rank amateur.
Jeff Stelling
So the question is...how can we fix it? Job one: Sack Steve Ryder. Replace him with someone who actually knows about football.
ITV must get out their cheque book and poach Jeff
Stelling from Sky. It'd take a lot of money to do so but it'd be worth it in the long run. Not only does
Stelling know football better than most, but his relaxed,
humourous attitude would bring some sorely needed levity to
ITV's funereal proceedings.
If we're bringing in Jeff then we need to bring in one or two of his Soccer Saturday cohorts as his punditry team. I'd poach Charlie Nicholas and Phil Thompson. Both have a wealth of experience and knowledge, and aren't afraid to get into a full blooded debate. I'd also pair them up with current
ITV pundit Ian Wright, one of the most passionate, if not most lucid, pundits working today.
I'd also bring in Chris
Kamara to be pitch side reporter. He can make even the most tedious of games seem genuinely exciting by way of shouting "unbelievable" and appearing as though his
head is about to explode. This is in direct contrast to Gabriel Clarke who can make a mind-blowing five goal thriller seem about as interesting as a day trip to Whitley Bay.
"Bigot" Ron
But who should replace Pleat and Townsend in that heralded co-commentary position? My first suggestion would be Mark Bright. He's currently being wasted by the BBC, forced to commentate on the likes of the African Cup of Nations and the Women's FA Cup. Neither of which are strictly football. In recent years he's grown in stature and would make a real improvement to the
ITV team.
My final suggestion is this...bring back Ron Atkinson. Now, I know this is a contentious and controversial suggestion, in light of him being a
crazy old bastard, but lest we forget he's also a great co-commentator. His humour, intuition and ability to make up terms (lollipops?) made Ron's commentary a delight. Yes, he's made some mistakes, but he's done his time and I think he should be back where he belongs...in David Pleat's chair.
Mark Lawrenson & Graeme Souness
